Pardon the filler post, think of this as an email your friend just forwarded to you. I’m not even sure who author is. Do you remember when we spent our days forwarding emails to one another? Feels like a decade ago doesn’t it? Enjoy.
Misconception Number 1: Moms miss their kids when they go back to school
Seriously. I’ve had enough of you by now. Every morning with the “what are we going to do today, Mom?” is finally over. I’ve had looked at your face twenty-four seven for the last 77 days. It’s time to go learn something. No more asking me about the pool, when is the next snack or if you can stay up late and watch a movie. It’s over….You’re going back to Hogwarts and I get to have a life again. There is a Christmas morning for parents and it’s called “back to school”.
Misconception Number 2: Moms like to go school shopping.
Are you freaking kidding me? Why do I pay taxes?…so I can rack up a 200 dollar bill at Staples for crap that we have laying around my house in junk drawers. Why does it have to be new pencils? What’s wrong with the chewed up, broken strawberry shortcake pencils sitting in the bottom of the toy box for the last 6 months? And how many subject books can you possibly need? What happened to reading, writing and arithmetic. If they added a couple of things for parents to that list I wouldn’t mind so much….why not pencils, erasers and vodka …..or some Nyquil.
Misconception Number 3: Moms like back to school night
Why must we do this every year? I got it already. You’re the teacher…I’m the parent. My kid is either going to be smart or dumb. If he gets a certain number or colored dot on his discipline chart, he can’t get a prize from the prize box. Pretty simple stuff. Listen, I’m pretty old school. If he doesn’t listen to you…you can throw something at him. I don’t care. But I got a lot of work to do at home and I’m paying a babysitter right now. Plus, I’m pretty sure you are going to assign some project on wigwams made by some Indian tribe I’ve never heard of, so I need to get home and start my research. So, I got it. We’re all here for the betterment of the kids. Blah Blah Blah. Can I leave now?
Misconception Number 4: Moms like school paperwork.
How many trees are you planning on killing to tell me the same stuff I had to pay a babysitter to listen to the other night? You know our name, where we live and our emergency phone numbers. He doesn’t have a nickname….call him “stinkbutt” for all I care. We don’t have any “special circumstances” that you need to know about. He lives in a home with two parents who may or may not like each other at any given time and they will fight. If that qualifies as a reason he can’t get his homework done on time then he won’t be able to function as an adult and have a real job so you may want to “educate” him on that life lesson.
Misconception Number 5: Moms like covering books in that annoying sticky paper. What exactly will you be doing with these books that I have to cover them in a plastic laminate? Do you often teach in the rain? Or while the children are drinking soda and eating soup? Do you know how long that takes? Has any parent in the history of education been able to do it without any air bubbles in it? From now on I’m covering it the old way…brown paper bags. That way I can cover the books and pack their lunches at that same time. Who says moms can’t multitask?
PS. Please tell my son if he can’t find his lunch to look in his science book.
Misconception Number 6: Moms like helping you with your homework
What? I am scared out of my mind. I’m pretty sure that I forgot everything I learned in fifth grade by the time I was in sixth grade. I have no idea what you are talking about most days. I don’t really know my 12 times tables, I read the cliff notes to all your summer reading and I don’t know how to conjugate anything but I do know that song “conjuction junction what’s your function” if that helps at all. And please don’t even say the words “new math” to me. What the heck was wrong the old one?
Misconception Number 7: Moms can’t wait to pack your lunch every day until we die.
I hate doing laundry. Making dinner every night is the bain of my existence, so making your lunch every day for an entire year, in terms of “mom fun”, lies somewhere between brushing plaque off the dogs teeth and scheduling my annual pap smear. Listen, as a child I hated what my mom packed me for lunch. But, like every kid before me, and every generation to come you will find a kid to trade with…I’m sure someone likes sardines.
Misconception Number 8: Moms love after school activities.
I don’t know who made up this idea of organized clubs and sports but they should be the ones in charge of carting your ass around. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not against all after school programs. I just wish they would offer it during hours that would work best for me so that dinner wasn’t at 8:30 at night followed by 4 hours of homework. Why not do it on the weekends and call it “after-hours activities” so mommy and daddy could actually go out one night and pretend that we have a life of our own. Don’t worry about us though I’m sure that me and “what’s his name” will be married a very long time.
Misconception Number 9: Moms don’t mind taking you to school if you miss the bus
Your bus comes at 7:10 am….which means that you should be standing by the door at 7:05 am. Not eating breakfast , chasing the dog around the house or in the bathroom, asking me to check your homework while I’m taking a shower. Get it together! I don’t like running down the street in my jammies at 7:12 screaming “Please wait” or “If you stop I’ll show you my boobies.”
Misconception Number 10: Moms cry on your first day of school
We do cry but they are tears of joy. I have done my job. I have successfully kept a human child alive for at least 5 years without doing any major damage. Motherhood is the hardest job in the world!! Sure, doctors save lives and CEO’s run million dollar businesses but…you teach a kid not to poop their pants and then you can say you’ve made the world a better place.
image: istockphoto
I just about fell off my chair laughing … filler post or not, that is HYSTERICAL!! Now I need to figure out how to share with my fellow elementary-school Moms. 🙂
I don’t care if it’s filler or not, that is damn funny and is exactly how I feel. I don’t bother to go to Back To School night or Open House anymore. I don’t make excuses to anyone, even my kids. I don’t care about it. Get good grades, do your homework and I will monitor your progress and hire a tutor because I don’t remember a thing after years of mind-numbing lunches, dinners, breakfasts, laundry, barf, diapers and all the other crap I have to deal with. I don’t do my kids projects and well, if I was at Open House, I’m sure my kid’s project is getting laughs because it actually likes like he/she did it. I drive everyone to their sports, but I actually enjoy that, so I won’t bitch about it, but I refuse to feel guilty if I tell my kid they need time off and I even give them “mental health” days. How many days can you sit in a math class and not kill someone? Honestly, I don’t know anyone who did calculus in HS in my generation and my 10th grader is doing it? You want me to help them? Really?
Good luck Linds…all that math with a pre-schooler and a middle schooler. I’m dropping a cocktail off at your house later.
Just saw your comment on Marcy’s site and clicked on your name. I just able drooled when I saw your site, it is SO PRETTY. LOVE the purple and pink. And the photos. Gosh, I need a redesign.
And then I snorted the rice cake I was eating when I read this post. Hilarious. 🙂 Just wanted to say hi!
very funny! Going to get my first experience with this stuff in two weeks. I will let you know how I feel! I am sure I will agree with all comments above.
Ok, read my comment from last year but I have to say, the college drop off was way harder than I thought it would be. I cried off and on for 2 days, and could cry now as I’m writing this. I wrote a huge check and helped fill out all the applications, forms and edited essays, but it hits you so hard when it is your turn to get in the car and drive away. But had a laugh this morning, that after 10 days, my son called me and asked me how to do his laundry…I’m still needed, but I don’t have to actually wash it!