Driving home from dinner last night the song ‘Who Are You’ starts to play.
me: “Ohhhh I love this song”
him: “Ugh, that is THE worst song!’
me: “No, its great, that synthesizer, beep boop boop… its an anthem”
him: “No, ‘My Generation’ IS an anthem'”
me: *shakes head (I own that move)
him: “This is worse than ‘Rocket Man'” (another song recently debated at casa modchik)
I turn it up louder. me: “I’m sorry what did you say?”
I serenade him the whole way home while entering my next existential crisis; Who am I?
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Admittedly I am having a bit of an identity crisis lately. I mean I know who I am on most days, that’s easy, all I have to do is look around to find the answer.
- you’re a homemaker, see laundry on the floor?
- you’re a cook, see the dirty pans stacked in the sink?
- you’re a mom, see that back to school reminder?
- you’re a bookkeeper see all the reports on your desk?
- you’re a wife hear the tone in his voice?
- you’re a daughter see the missed call from mom?
- you’re a sister see her text she just sent?
- you’re a writer see the stacks of unfinished journals?
- you’re a photographer, see the rolls of film in your fridge?
See what I put last? Why is THAT last when THAT is so much a part of who I am? I feel like that has been the case for the last five years, I have to do everything else first and if I have extra time I can do that, much like blogging. Funny because last time I checked photography has permeated into just about every role on that list. So I’m a photographer, but can I call myself a professional and more importantly is that what I want? According to the industry if I derived 80% of my income solely based on photography then I am most certainly a pro, but what about the rest of us that have to hold down regular jobs to support that dream. I guess that’s what they call the tipping point, the point in which you can’t do both with excellence.
I think I know why all this bubbled up, all week the folks at Creative Live have been broadcasting mini mentoring sessions during their annual Photo Week. My coworkers were subjected to a few sessions while I reconciled bank accounts.
I fell in love with Jeremy Cowart and work (professionally and philanthropically) He sure is a gentle soul. I could not have been the only viewer BAWLING as he recounted learning of his brothers sudden death, while onstage, speaking a WPPAI. You can read about it here. He is the bomb people. I also found film photographer Ryan Muirhead completely endearing, I wanted to stuff him in my back pocket and take him home with me. Sidenote: if you closed your eyes you’d swear you were listening to Kourtney Kardashian’s partner Scott, not that I watch the show.) Ryan and Indie Film Lab owner Josh covered all the basics about film photography, if that wasn’t perfect timing with last weeks camera purchase I don’t know what is. Now they have me wanting to buy a Polaroid 180 pack camera. Curses. Some of my other favorite sessions were Sue Bryce and Felix Kunze on posing, Ian Shive on the business of photography I also enjoyed watching one of my favorite instagrammers Pei Ketron.
Sorry about that. By the weekend my mind was and still is swirling with ideas. Saturday was not for laundry it was for completely overhauling my portfolio and moving it to a new space (SquareSpace.) I finally stopped watching the rebroadcast late Saturday long enough to finally go eat. So what next. I guess I let my mind marinate in all that new info I just dumped in and wait. Or I get off my ever flattened bum and go shoot something. I don’t what the magic combination is but I know I just HAVE to move forward and see it through.
other stuff that happened.
I completely forgot to mention last week that Super A now has braces. She just looks like an entirely different kid. Not entirely sure why she needs braces, they look pretty darn straight to me but hey I’m not a dentist.
I’m only married to one.
I went grocery shopping and ran into my favorite guy, Andre. I wrote about him almost 4 years ago to the date, you can read it here. I happened to also have the same recipe on my radar for this week as I did back then, Steak Salad. I find it almost impossible to resist the meat department when I shop there. So much for going plant-based this week.
I made this on Back-to-School night knowing I wouldn’t be home until late.
I attended my 8th back-to-school night, two more and then we are on to middle school. I did something I have never done before, skipped the volunteer sign up page. It wasn’t even a conscious thing. I realized days later that I didn’t have a class job. I still never told you why there is a lapse in these posts did I. Lets just say I filled my volunteering card for a while. I still have a a few draft posts I may get up before the year is out. I still can’t believe I made it to week 38.
I am slowly returning back to my habit of getting a second coffee when I arrive at my office, they serve honey vanilla lattes can you blame me? This week I have been option for green drinks as in no apples all veggies. You want to gauge your sugar addiction? Drink something that has no fruit in it. Gag. I am in trouble, I know I need to overhaul my diet and incorporate more plants less meat. I don’t know how to break it to the men in my life that there will be such things on the menu as tofu tacos. I could change this blog into a post-menopausal-plant-based-gluten-free-for-all.
Don’t think it couldn’t happen. What would I even call it? I would call it a blog long forgotten.
I went to my doc and gave her the list, to here it was clear what was happening and she proceeded to write out scripts for HRT. I drove straight to the pharmacy drive-thru, thinking this is it, this will make everything better, but that night I did some Googling (I know I know) and I kept coming up with the same thing, I am somewhat young to start all of this and like anything else I can expect some sort of impact when I am putting something in my body, bio-identical or not. I didn’t take anything instead I talked with a friend and she gave me her acupuncturists number. I took me and my coated tongue to see him Saturday. I was not what I expected, his last name is Moskovitz, not your traditional Chinese doc. I launched into a diatribe of ailments of all of them, the ear pain seem to bother him the most. We tried to pinpoint events but really this seems like years of degradation. I brought up the issues of my metal toxicity, my most recent tests showed another increase in my mercury levels. “Well that changes everything!” he said. So now I not only have needles and a personalized Chinese herbs, I have to slowly get out all the metal in my teeth. You know I have my share of dental issues (read this if you don’t remember) I am happy to try this before the meds. I know I may get to a point where I may change my mind. But I feel that I am not doing everything I can to change my body with nutrition, exercise and stress management. I can’t sit there at my docs office complaining about my health knowing full well that often dont eat until 1pm (today being one of them) in the afternoon and if I do its a bar, followed my 8 hrs at a desk NEXT TO A WIRELESS ROUTER THAN CAN BUST THROUGH BRICK WALLS. DUH. I’m also going to embrace the chances going on and try not to fight so hard to resist the inevitable. I’m not any less of a woman if I can’t have a baby. I know its not in my best interest, in a way Mother Nature is looking out for me. I’m going to spend more time on the mat while letting my brain constantly asses what is needed and what I can do without (besides a period.) I’ve arrived whether I am willing to admit it or not and I’m sure there will be a silver lining to this chapter and it won’t involve ‘adhesive wings.’
Another clue I am officially advancing in age? I won’t stand in line for a new iPhone.
Nope. But I did update to the new iOS 8 so now I can swipe/type/text with the speed of my teen (sort of) try Swift Key App. I now get texts on my iPad, helpful when you have left the phone in the other room (not helpful to flattening butt) and I can also leave a group text party for that one time a year when I am wrangled into one.
Ok its time for me to push away, I need to grab my suitcase and dust off the cat and start filling it. I get on a plane in a few days to meet my Tofino birds.