As I stood on the scale my mind wandered into resolution territory as it does every New Years Eve. I made a mental list of things in the running, eat healthier, read more, scroll less, yoga, meditate, drink water, stop all sugar and credit card use. The usual suspects. I searched the internet for ideas, came up with a better idea, non resolutions, Google that and about five results in you’ll see a list from some of funniest women on the planet. I’m leaning towards Leah’s, not ordering a salad when everything in my being is saying FRIES!.  If there is one thing that I have learned in my 47 years, it’s that there is no joy in eating a salad.

None.

I dusted off my monthly journals hoping I left myself some pearl of wisdom for a case of the Januarys but all I found were lists of things I burned, see Goodbye 2012. I do however see a pattern to the lists, same sh*t, different year.  But this year my burn and float list looks much different, there are things on it that indicate I am ready for great change. I remain dedicated to my creative practice but I’m asking the universe for direction, I’m up for something new, a different channel or path. I’m finally ready to write again, to talk about the heartbreak and pitfalls that were 2015. How renovating our home felt like someone lifted twenty pounds of armor off my shoulders and six months later I am still free. How no one could have prepared me for the second wave of sorrow that is sending your child off to college. My husband and I liken it to being pushed in to the deep end of the pool, with your hands tied, at night. You don’t know what’s in there or what’s going to happen, all you know is you want out.  Now.

I’ve been through a lot this year as have many of my friends. Maybe collectively we are all feeling the same need, the need for more JOY more HAPPINESS and more PEACE in our daily lives.  I went to a memorial service for a 19 year old that could not see a better tomorrow for himself and I don’t want that to happen to my son. I want to be the catalyst for change, it is written on my burn & float list.  One things that always got me to a better place was being open to change and that can only happen when you PUSH through the resistance. Resistance to commit, to show up, to be accountable because after all can we all agree that most people love to cancel plans or not accept the invitation at all.

When did NO become the new yes?

If you have been here awhile you know I love the movie  Yes Man  read 10 Ways to Restart. When I watched for the first time I immediately identified with Carl, not Allison, his carefree, Polaroid taking, scooter riding costar. That movie tapped me squarely on the shoulder asking me about my own covenant with myself six years ago.

So what happened?

When did I stop living?

I sat down and watched it again, so good. I love Zooey Deschanel’s enthusiasm in everything she does, success and failures. There’s a part in the movie when she shares the crushing truth that no one will ever get her blurry photographs but that’s ok because it’s about having fun, that “life’s a playground” and we’ve (adults) have forgotten that.

On Christmas Eve, determined to find As Man Thinketh, I ordered a book and went to pick it up at Barnes & Noble, unfortunately a few minutes before I placed my order the last copy was sold. However while waiting in line another book caught my eye Shonda Rhimes (Grey’s Anatomy, Scandal writer) Year of Yes I thumbed through and saw this opener…

I handed the lady at the counter the book took it home and stuck it under the tree. To: me From: me.

The book is very conversational, a style I try to emulate in my own writing. Even though she is one of Hollywood’s movers and shakers she and her journey struggle as a woman slash mother slash entrepreneur slash artist is completely relatable.  I am as committed as Rhonda to grab this year of the Monkey by the tail, traversing the concrete jungle as I dance it out, stand in the sun and be my own person.

Then my sister calls and the conversation goes a little like this:

her: You know what you guys need? A dog.

me: No

her: You need a Boston.

me: No

her: A boxer?

me: No

Ok so being presented with the question of whether or not I want to commit to another 15 year relationship may be a bit unfair but I did catch myself saying “Hell no” to an email invitation, a survey and focus group. Yeah no.

This is going to be a lot harder than I thought.