The last week of summer is upon us and I am straddling two worlds. One without alarms, direction or to-do lists. The other filled with stacks of paperwork, unopened emails and projects that became covered in dust. I begrudgingly begin the transition this week back into a more structured life although my heart wants to stay here in the soft sand and play.
Structured life is something I resist at my core. With my head always in the clouds I am a dreamer that prefers not to be tethered.
I am a fixed air sign (Aquarius) who thinks very deeply about life but struggles with idea of change. Only when I am pushed to the crumbling edge of the cliff will I consider a different way out.
To get to this place is to know pain. To surrender to it. To go deep within and spend time with it. To ask for all of it knowing the truth will set you free. To shine the light on the darkest corners and do some internal housekeeping.
When a certain truth revealed itself to me I clung to the idea that knowing the why would unlock the answer. I projected my fears on others and held them responsible for my happiness. Their shortcomings a reflection of my own.
Dear 14 year old self
I have been on a very personal journey inward without a place to call home. I have wanted to somehow incorporate my travels into my blog but feared that I would not be accepted. Those feelings begin to percolate up through my throat to the tip of my nose.
I ask myself, How old are you?
I am 14.
My nose begins to tickle, the tickle makes my eyes water.
And how do you feel?
Why people are unkind. I don’t fit in and I don’t feel accepted. I don’t know how to tell people I am uncomfortable. I feel invisible.
Tell me more.
People reject my ideas. They label me. They don’t even know me. I retreat even deeper. I walk among strangers and it’s lonely. I’d rather spend time alone in my room to shut the world out. No one understands me. No one cares.
I understand and I hear you. I am here and I want you to know that I love you and you are SEEN. The world misses you and I’m here to bring you back into it. You are loved and you are safe. You are a gift and many will come to see that much later in life for you my friend are a bright light that has the capability to illuminate the world.
Did you know that?
Those are the places I go to work and heal myself because I have been shown that all my disappointments, my worries, my anger and my fears lie deep within me. If I can work on excavating those stored experiences, examining them for what they are and apply the same truth that we are made from Love (love = creation.) That love never judges it only accepts and wraps its arms around you, filling every nook and cranny with light. That’s a start.
For the past 30 years I have been a witness to my own life instead of the driving force behind it and I’m ready to step up in a more active role. These last four months have been some of the hardest yet if I scratched deep enough, under the surface I found that these things were there to help me expand into a better awareness.
I’m ready to push up my sleeves and get to work. Shall we begin?